Security:
1. freedom from danger, risk, etc.; safety.
2. freedom from care, anxiety, or doubt; well-founded confidence.
3. something that secures or makes safe; protection; defense.
It's been a little over 2 years ago when I first opened a certified letter....one that would re route my entire life, at least for the moment. This letter started a downward spiral of emotions, of financial despair, and of insecurity.
At a time when I was so full of joy, Halle was 2 weeks old at the time, I felt the bottom drop. I felt a huge weight land square on my back and I didn't know how long it would take to lift it.
You would have thought that certified letter was an obituary. A notice of death and defeat. And in some ways, it felt like it could be, but what I didn't know was that it was just the beginning of a painful journey.
In early March 2012, I received a certified letter delivered to my door, from the WV State Board of Nursing. It was to notify me of a complaint made against my nursing license, by our acting CNO at the time. And as shocked as I was, that a complaint in itself was being made, to see the words "negligence in nursing care", was even more shocking. I sat there trying to absorb it and trying to understand how this could happen. The sad thing is, I knew this was an attempt of my employer at the time, to somehow try and protect themselves.
In late November of 2011, I came on to a schedule shift on OB. Normally scheduled in the nursery, we made a call to let a newer nursery nurse work to gain skills and experience, since it was likely to be an easy shift for her. I would serve as backup if any critically ill newborns were born or for any questions. I was to work on our postpartum/gyn floor. We were busy this particular evening and with pending deliveries, we were given additional staff. We made assignments and myself and the Lpn gave our floating RN the 2 post op surgical patients on our floor. This would allow me to take care of a pregnant pt on our floor who was carrying twins and was contracting and it would free us up to do mother/baby care and allow us to take new admissions. So, we start getting report on our assigned patients. In the middle of everyone's report, we receive a call from our nursing supervisor at the time, who pulled our floating RN and CNA to ER. So in the middle of our report, we scramble to split our 2 post op patients.
Our shift began as any other. We were very busy assessing our patients, answering call lights, answering phones and answering our door bell(which on this shift, I could have yanked from the wall and thrown out the window). We had several breastfeeding mothers, so we were also busy helping them nurse. Without giving details and specifics, the lpns surgical patient was rapidly declining and we did not know it. We had a poor shift change report and poor communication. Her patient had stable vital signs at the beginning of our shift, but she had been unstable just hours earlier(and I was unaware). Despite regular assessment(which was normal) and ongoing rounds, this pt rapidly declined and coded in the middle of our shift.
Long story short, she passed away 2 weeks later at an outlying hospital.
I can tell you that in all my years of nursing that I have had several patients die on my shift, but they are usually newborns, who were either born with a defect that wasn't compatible with life, or a very preterm infant. Nonetheless, those are always heartbreaking.
This wasn't any different. Anytime a patients status declines in your care, whether it be a newborn, a child or an adult, it is always devastating, even if there is nothing more you could have done. You spend the next few weeks to months replaying the whole shift in your head, trying to decide if there is anything you could do differently. You question your nursing ability, skill, and knowledge to the point that it can affect your confidence on every level.
And this is exactly what I had done ever since that shift. I had replayed and questioned and replayed and questioned.
It honestly drove me crazy. And I never came to one piece of evidence or information that would have changed how I handled this shift. They only thing I concluded is that a lack of communication and information was key in this situation and I couldn't have changed that.
So after hearing from friends and family, not to worry about the complaint, that they were sure it would be cleared. I decided then, that I shouldn't worry and placed it in Gods hands.....
September 2012-I receive a certified packet in the mail. This time it's not from the nursing board, but from a lawyers office. I am being sued by the patients family. I am named in a lawsuit with the hospital, the doctor, anesthesiologist, and I am the only nurse named. Needless to say, I am in shock and honestly speechless.
October 2012-This is the month we renew our RN licenses every year. Normally I do mine online, but since I had a pending complaint, I had to physically mail mine. So on Oct 15th I mail my renewal form. On Oct 29th I realize my license hasn't been renewed so I become concerned. (I'm not sure if anyone remembers what happened during this time, but there was a huge storm know as Storm Sandy, that wreaked havoc all up the East Coast.) I try to call the state board and they have closed early this day due to the storm. Oct 30th-still closed, Oct 31st-also known as the deadline. NO ONE will answer phones. They are too busy renewing licenses this day. So, I email someone at the board. Hoping they will answer promptly.
Nov2nd- I receive an email back stating the have never received my renewal form(note to self: ALWAYS mail things certified from now on). So I am told I will need to send in a reinstatement form(which I CAN do online), and pay 75 to reinstate. It will take up to 5 business days to process.
Nov 9th: License still isn't renewed. I call and speak with the discipline department. I am told on this day that my license will not be reinstated due to a pending complaint. She informs me that this is their policy. If anyone has ever had to deal with the nursing board, they are not know for their kindness. This particular lady was rude. I informed her that I wasn't even given due process, that I was being treated guilty before being proven innocent. And her only response was..."the patient did expire, didn't she?".
November 11th-Nurse Attorney retained.
November 12th-Oddly enough, my renewal form was returned in the mail to me....but the oddest thing of all was that it had been opened with a letter opener and then stapled and taped back shut. All contents were still in the envelope including my check.
December 10th-start my new job in the office with the same company so that I can keep my benefits.
February 16th 2013-after asking my attorney if there is any legal action I can take against the state board, my license is suddenly reinstated the next day.....
July 2013- able to return to nursing full time! You really appreciate something when it has been stripped away from you.
September 2013-Finally informed that no action will be taken against my license. The complaint will be dismissed. There is no better feeling than having something like that lifted off of your shoulders.
February 2014-I am dismissed from the families lawsuit and there can and will be no further action against me.
God turned all of this around in my favor and I couldn't be more grateful. I lost a lot in this process. My reputation as a nurse was tarnished, my family suffered great financial loss, we lost our house, a vehicle, and to be honest, friends. You find out who will stick by you and will be there for you in times of crisis. I realized I had a lot of "fair weather" friends.
But in the end, none of that matters, I am a child of the king who always carried me, even when I wanted to scream at him, I have a roof over my head, a husband who has been my rock through all of this, family who are always there, and my nursing license!!
There are so many things that can be stripped away from us, that we stand to lose and that steal our "security". I have always been one who has seeked security. Security in my relationships, financial security, job security, etc. But at the end of the day, all of it can be lost or stripped away. And then where do we find security? I have honestly found the only true security is my relationship with Jesus. He is always there, will never leave or betray me, will ALWAYS provide for my needs, and provides me the security of a much better place than this life.
Where do you place your trust? Where do you find hope? And what provides you with security? I urge you my friend to find a relationship with Jesus, if you don't already have one. I could have never found my way through this journey without him. He was my source of strength, provided the only true security, he guided my heart and decisions, and he eventually delivered me.
Peace.grace.joy
Lori